Too much downtime? Time to blog again I suppose.

I'm a sporadic blogger. You know this. Don't judge me.

Anyways.

I do have a few new projects to blog about. This first one is nearly a year old... haha, oops.

So I needed a Christmas gift for my boyfriend. I'd known him for a little while now, but this was the first gift giving opportunity I'd had for him. Well, technically the second, but I let his birthday slip by, and then of course he got me a fantastic gift for my birthday, a little stuffed beefalo from Don't Starve, that I just love to pieces.

See? There he is, hanging out with Chester on my desk at work. I named him Bill. Beefalo Bill. And of course then I felt bad for not getting him a birthday present, so I wanted to make the Christmas gift awesome.

So, Stu loves older classic video games, he likes to watch a lot of speedruns and things like that, and one of his favorites is Mega Man. I had previously seen other things where people would crochet afghans of 8 bit characters using granny squares for the pixels, and I'd always wanted to try it. So I found a good image of classic Mega Man, and using Excel I drew it out, and filled the blocks with the corresponding colors so I would know how many blocks of each color I needed to make. The pattern, if you want it, looks like this:

I was shooting for a roughly full/queen sized blanket. I found a simple pattern online for a solid block granny square, and left off the last round so each square ended up about 2" across. I thought about making the squares bigger, but the blanket would have ended up massive and taken way longer and way way way more yarn. As it was I severely underestimated how long it would take to make it. I knew Stu was going to visit his parents for Christmas and wouldn't be home until a little bit after that, so I had a grace period, but as the time came, it turns out I only had the squares for Mega Man himself done, hadn't even started the background yet. He looked great, all sewn together, but I knew I'd be at this for months if I made squares for the background too. So I ended up just doing endless row upon row of solid double crochets for the backdrop. Still took a while, but much less time. And it made him stand out a bit more. I completed him right around New Year's.

Stu loved it, and still uses it every night as his comforter at home. :D

So, I am also starting a new project. Well, I say starting, it's one that's been half in the works for years, but I've never been able to finish it.

This bitch.

That's right, I've finally decided that this year is when I will finally finish my Sailor Pluto costume and achieve my dream of having a sailor senshi costume.

I intended to do it last year, but when October hit I was too busy doing things like getting divorced and moving out to my own place to be able to do something like create a detailed costume for myself. I had already bought a brooch and some gloves and a wig, so at least that stuff is already done this year. Although that isn't much, there's still a lot to do. I have some plans, and I'm going to put it all here just to organize my thoughts in my head.

Boots- I have a pair of black thigh high boots that I bought several years ago and have worn exactly zero times. Turns out without a specific costume in mind there's really no reason for me to own thigh high boots. So I'm going to cut them down and add the white stripe and they'll be perfect.

Gloves- bought last year, as I said. Hilariously enough it took three tries to get the right gloves. I wanted them matte, not shiny satin and apparently lots of sellers think matte means "SUPER SHINY NASTY CHEAP LOOKING SATIN."I had some disagreements with some merchants. But I did finally find a good pair, I just need to add the black cuffs to them, which will maybe take me a half hour, if I do it in slow motion. :P

Leotard- this is a two phase thing. part one is actually a white body shaper leotard that I have purchased. At the time I bought it because of my self consciousness with my weight, I thought I could use it to slim down a bit and look better. I have since lost a bunch of weight (more on that later) and am less worried about it, but I'm still going to use it just for smoothing everything. The second part is a white leotard I'm going to make. I can't just wear the body shaper because it's too sheer. I have started on this, I'll provide more details on what I'm doing once I'm done with this list.

Skirt- I'm going to sew this. I have this really nice matte part cotton part satin fabric that's thick and lovely and I am very excited to see how it turns out.

Collar- Same.

Bows- Same. I have some burgundy of the exact same fabric that's just perfect.

Choker- I mean, it's really just a ribbon. Not a big issue. Although it occurs to me that I don't actually have any black ribbon... Haha. Might have to go get that. For the gem on the choker I intended to find something at the craft store but I found an Etsy seller who makes really nice looking gems intended for Sailor Pluto, so I decided to just go with that.

Earrings- Pluto's are fairly distinctive. I found a youtube video with a very detailed walkthrough to make them out of oven bake clay, which I have done and was fairly pleased with them. I think I made them too small though, I might redo it. We'll see.

Tiara- I was going to make one out of foam, but I found an Etsy seller- the same one I bought the choker gem from- that makes really lovely ones out of brass. I do not have the capability to work with metal, and these ones are so pretty. Which how much this costume means to me and how perfect I want it to be, I decided to splurge and go ahead and buy it. It's in the mail now, I can't wait to see it.

Brooch- purchased off of Etsy last year. Pretty sure I know where it is...

Hair- Like I said, I bought a wig. And then just a few weeks ago I found the same wig for much cheaper. So I bought it again. I have a tutorial for how to take a wig apart and sew it into another wig to make it thicker and nicer, and in every picture, Pluto's hair is impossibly thick. I know I won't get it anywhere near hers because I have to live in reality where we have physics, but that doesn't mean I can't try and make my hair a little thicker at least. Plus with adding more hair I can style it better.

Eyes- I have bought some burgundy tinted contact lenses just to make sure I get every detail right.

The Time Key Staff- Ooooohhhh this is the big one. But if I'm going to do this I'm gonna do it right. I'm pretty sure this is doable. Wooden dowel for the main part, cut in segments with steel rods and screws added so that it can be twisted apart for easy storage and transportation. Details will be created out of foam covered in paper mache for sturdiness, I think, and the top part will be carved foam and probably some kind of Christmas ornament for the orb. My plan is still very vague for this part, and I think a lot of it will depend on what I can find.

So, I said I had started on the leotard. Now, I've done EXTENSIVE research on techniques and tutorials and patterns and whatnot for this pattern. There is one particular pattern that is recommended time and time again for sailor scout outfits, but of course it's an old discontinued pattern and not super easy to find. I'm sure I could find something, but turns out I'm too cheap if I think I can do it myself. So I'm starting with trying to make my own pattern.

I started with an old swimsuit:

Still fits and everything, it just got all faded in the sun so I quit wearing it. So I cut it to pieces.

Removed the bit of ruched fabric in front, the elastic from the butt, and cut across the middle to lengthen the whole thing, due to my white fabric not having enough stretch vertically. I have concerns about my fabric not being quite right, but we'll see what happens. I cut that out and sewed the pieces together to come up with something that fit almost perfectly. Still too short for my torso, but everything else was good.

I took the white fabric pieces apart, and in the interest of symmetry cut them in half and traced one half onto paper (adding two inches of length in the middle) twice, flipped one side over and taped them together for a reasonably functional looking pattern.

Uhg. Not gonna lie, I hate how wide that pattern looks. But it does have to stretch all the way around me. And it really did fit nicely in the mockup. I've cut out the actual pieces now and will sew them together soon to see how it looks.

The problem I've run into now is that I don't have enough fabric to make the breastplate thing.

You know, that thing. The top part of the leotard. Most cosplayers interpret that as a whole second piece that they make and attach over top. I do not have enough fabric left to do that and I don't really want to go get more. So I'm hoping that the extra two inches of length I added to the patterns will be just slightly too long so I can just cut a seam there and sew it back together to make that line. If not I suppose I'll just have to go get more fabric.

So! Another thing. I mentioned I lost a bunch of weight. Well, I have had a few previous posts on this blog where I've complained about my weight. (Oh, 162 lb Jessica, how silly and naive you were.) Well, I continued to gain weight. All my attempts to fix it were half assed and quickly petered out. But then my marriage started falling apart. I realized I wanted to leave but it took me about another year to do so. And in that year the stress of it went and doubled my weight gain. Not my weight, my weight gain. I weighed in at one point at 194 pounds. Then I finally moved out and all that stress lifted and I realized that this whole thing was bullshit and it was time to get real. I hated my body, but I was starting to annoy myself by complaining about it. My opinion was if you're not doing anything to fix it, then quit bitching about it. 

I started collecting workout videos on Pinterest and I bought a kettlebell. Just a little 15 pounder. And somehow, I'm really not sure how, I came up with the willpower to get up early before work and workout. I've always been so, so bad at it. It was patchy there for a bit. Anytime I was hungover, or just really tired I'd skip the workout. But then I started getting stronger.

I think the real tipping point was near the beginning of March I did a 2 week clean eating challenge, one that had all the meals planned out and a grocery shopping list and everything. I followed it pretty closely, not perfectly but any subs I made were within the basic guidelines of the plan. And I focused really hard on my workouts. As a result I learned of a lot of healthy foods I liked, quinoa, kale, sweet potatoes, chickpeas. And I started to get some momentum on my workouts, I got on a streak. And I didn't want to break that streak. I don't remember if I missed any workouts in March, but I don't think so. And I lost 8 pounds that month. 

Since then my workout streak has remained unbroken. I workout every day I go to work. Holidays are an exception, I get an extra rest day then, and I don't workout on weekends. Eating healthy has gotten easier, and I still allow indulgences on weekends. I couldn't keep up that weight loss pace and still keep my sanity, but I've settled at a pretty solid 3 or so pounds a month. I've lost more than 20 pounds and gained muscles I forgot I had. I had to buy heavier kettlebells, twice! And I can do push ups again! Like, 4 or 5 maybe, but still! I was only able to do that in high school when I was in color guard. 

I have a few before and after pictures, but no really good current ones, I'll post something once I get those taken. But there is a very visible difference, I fit into my clothes again and I feel amazing. Basically, everything is awesome right now. :)

Sighh... I'm optimistic about goals again....

Well, it's happened.  Suddenly my body picked up speed and I gained more weight.  I now weigh 175, which is over the weight line, and is, incidentally, how much I weighed when I was nine months pregnant.  And I don't know if you're aware of this, but generally a woman who is not nine months pregnant should not weigh as much as she did when she was.  So I'm having another vanity crisis.

I know.  Eye rolls and sighs.

As a result of this, I have a drawer full of shorts from last summer that I can no longer button up, and all my jeans give me the most horrifying muffin top.  I don't want to wear any of my t shirts, and my tight tanks don't ever see the light of day.  I'm losing most of my wardrobe, and I'm not imagining it.  I've legitimately gained weight and I'm not okay with it.

I cannot seem to convince my husband we should buy an elliptical or a treadmill, so I've had to look for other options.  So. Recently I was made full time at my work, so rather than packing lunches, I get a Slim Fast shake for breakfast and a protein bar for lunch, with various healthy snacks thrown in to keep me from losing my mind and going over to the Burger King that's next door.

I'm not kidding.  My window faces the drive thru and I sit and listen to people order Burger King all day.  It's bad.  Luckily BK isn't my favorite fast food place in the world so I'm managing to resist.

My snacks range from hummus and pita chips to grapes or cherries, carrots and ranch dip made with greek yogurt, cottage cheese and peaches, or my current favorite, pico de gallo with baked Tostitos.  For the record, the pico de gallo comes from Albertson's deli and is literally nothing but vegetables.  The ingredients list says, "Tomatoes, onions, jalapenos, cilantro." And it's delicious.  At home I'm reducing my portions and planning out my meals so they're healthier, mostly.  And I'm allowed to do what I like (within reason) on the weekend.

On top of this, I have discovered a lovely little loop through the business park in which I work that, according to Google Maps is 1.1 miles long.  I can walk it in about 20-25 min.  I've walked it a few times, jogged it twice.  Here is my current plan.

I'm going to walk it once in the morning, for kind of a morning break, once the other parttimer shows up at my work, during what would normally be my lunchtime, I will jog it, with an extended loop through a park that's along the route added for distance.  In the afternoon, I'll walk the normal loop one more time.  Total, this is nearly four miles of travel.  I don't know exactly, because I don't know how much the loop through the park adds. Obviously, I'm bringing jogging clothes and shoes for the afternoon jog. Not gonna go jogging in work clothes.  For the walks though I'm probably fine to go in whatever I'm wearing.  That's a decent amount of exercise for one day.  And since a lot of it is walked, it's not so difficult I'm going to give up. The jogging sucks, but I can do it. Plus the walk through the business park is actually really nice, it's a nice area.  So it's a very pleasant path.

My bare minimum goal weight is 155.  yeesh.  I'd rather be 150.  My perhaps excessively optimistic goal is 145, but I'd rather be 140.  However, I fear we might be reaching unhealthy levels if we get too far.  What I would like is to be able to reward myself with a bikini.  I've never worn one and I want to.  As it is I'd already look better than a lot of people do in a bikini, (that's not vanity, that me logically realizing that I'm not actually massively overweight) if I lose a little weight I bet I'll be a knockout.  Based on how much I have to lose, though, the bikini goal is probably a next summer thing. But we'll see.  This plan seems doable.  Lets see if I can stick to this one.

A few updates.

so, the house cleaning thing is going really well.  Turns out when I keep the main area of my house clean I go looking for other things to clean so I have subsequently gone and cleaned every messy cluttered place in my house.  Closets, shelves above the washer and dryer, coat closet.  I've even taken a stab at the garage, but it was a very small stab cuz it's FRICKING COLD OUT.  I'll try again when it's warmer.  I did manage to get together a good sized load to Goodwill though, so that was good. And I cleared out some clothes I'm not wearing, sold some to Runway Exchange, and everything I couldn't sell I donated.  I've also decided we're selling our workout bike.  It never worked well for either Caleb or me, it's just taking up space.

In my quest to clean and organize everything I've made Goodwill, the Dollar Store and Walmart my bitch.  At Goodwill I found one of those hanging shoe organizers, and I set myself a goal to get all my and my husband's shoes into it, maximum two pairs per pocket, (this was allowed because flip flops don't take much space.) and anything that didn't fit I had to get rid of.  So I managed to clear out four or five pairs of shoes.  This challenge enters hard mode when winter ends, and I cycle my seasonal shoes. I don't have more boots than flip flops, but boots sure take up a lot more space.

I bought a bunch of little baskets and boxes at the Dollar Store and managed to organize the drawer where I keep all the measuring things and spoons and other random kitchen gadgets. (you know the one.  Everyone has one, and it's usually just a pile of stuff dumped in there randomly.  mine is no longer random.) The Dollar Store also had a large collection of collapsible fabric boxes that I used to organize things in my closet and the laundry room.

At Walmart I bought a bunch of wire baskets that I've hung in my pantry and medicine cabinet to organize all the little bottles.  I also bought some hanging shelf organizers and a little plastic chest of drawers for Shannon's room and filled them with her toys rather than just have them on the floor of her closet. It'll be easier for her to keep her room clean if her toys are better organized.

I really want to get some lazy susans for the top shelf of my pantry where I keep all my spices. I put the ones I use most often in the baskets, but there's a lot more in there, and the shelf is really deep, making it difficult to find things sometimes.

OOH! ALSO!  Based on some things I read I decided to try Mr Clean's Magic Erasers.  Those things are ACTUALLY MAGIC.  I'm talking frigging WITCHCRAFT.  I took them to scribbles on the walls in Shannon's room and I didn't even have to try to get them off.  Some of the black marks were made by a magnet that was dragged on the wall and I couldn't believe it worked.  And it didn't hurt the paint! The previous owner of our house repainted everything before we moved in, but she did it with sure cheap gross flat paint, and every time I try to clean the walls with a wash cloth I just end up rubbing the paint off, but I can scrub really hard with the erasers without taking paint! It's amazing! And it gets the crap off my glass cooktop, and I didn't think anything would do that.  My stove looks like new again.  But the most impressive was that they could actually clean the dried foundation off the walls of my vanity. I've tried everything to clean that off, because I don't really like having my walls splattered with makeup, but I couldn't even scrape it off with my fingernails.  It was stupid.  But now I can!  I have to scrub pretty hard with the erasers, but it works where nothing else does.  I may be in love.

I have also stumbled across LA's Totally Awesome cleaner, which I've read many good things about, so I'm giving that a try as well.  I used it to clean my showers and toilets yesterday, I was reasonably pleased. Not raving yet, but it didn't have to work very hard on the toilet and showers since I've been keeping those clean.

So yeah. Cleaning is going really well.  I'm running out of extra things to clean, but I think that's a good thing.  I even moved my washer and dryer out and cleaned under them- let me tell you, that was horrifying.

as for the vanity things- I said I wasn't doing the hair thing, I have rinsed with vinegar once or twice, I don't really notice a difference.  I'm going to try doing hair masks with aloe vera, it's supposed to be good, plus make your hair grow faster.

I'm loving the oil cleansing on my face.  My skin is very soft and it seems to be helping with blackheads.  I'm getting some dry spots right on the apples of my cheeks, so I might need to adjust to less castor oil and more olive oil.  I do the oil every night, and a honey mask after every shower.  In the shower I use a paste of baking soda and water to exfoliate.  I wasn't using any moisturizer, but I've started now in the last day or so, just a little bit on the dry spots.  I'll adjust my oil after I've used up this batch. so aside from my makeup, which I only wear two days a week or so anyways, my face is almost entirely all natural.  I wonder if the dry spots is just my skin adjusting to not being covered in chemicals? I dunno.  I'm gonna stick with it and see what happens.

surprising no one, I'm having a hard time working out.  I'm trying to just do my ten minute video every day, and it's kinda iffy. ah well. I'm working on it.

On the theme of making things run better, I'm also working on a budget, because Caleb wants to get a new car.  The PT Cruiser broke down, and we got it fixed, but we don't want to just sit and wait until it breaks again. so that means more money going out, and my little brother who lives with us will quite likely be moving out in the next few months, and that means less money coming in.  We spend a lot of money on food, so I'm reasonably certain if I work out a budget and plan my meals for the month I can knock some money off my grocery bill.  which we can definitely use.  I'm always seeing those blog posts about women that feed a family of five on $400 a month, and my initial response is always "Bullshit." I'm feeding a family of three on $600 a month.  but after thinking about it, I don't spend money on food very carefully.  So if I plan it out, I bet I can be one of those women. My goal is to cut spending in half.  A family of three on $300 ought to be doable right?  Shoot, I'd be happy with $400.  And maybe we'll eat healthier too, if I'm planning what we eat.

Ooh! speaking of healthy food, I made something for lunch and it was delicious.  I wanted to put the recipe here so I don't forget.

Tilapia, Cucumber and Tomato Wrap

one tilapia fillet
2 roma tomatoes, chopped
half a cucumber, diced
about 1/4 c chopped fresh parsley (I have a theory that this would be delicious if it was cilantro instead.)
about 3 cloves of garlic, minced
about 2-3 tbsp sour cream
salt and pepper
1 tsp ground rosemary
1 tbsp lemon juice
1 tbsp butter or olive oil
whole wheat tortillas

cook the tilapia in a skillet with the butter/olive oil, rosemary, 2 cloves of garlic, and lemon juice. salt and pepper if desired. cook until white all the way through.
while cooking, combine tomatoes, cucumber, parsley, sour cream, and one clove of garlic.  Salt and pepper to taste.
when fish is cooked, break into little pieces and mix with vegetables.  spoon into tortilla and eat!

it was amazing.  it made two wraps that I ate, and enough for one more that I saved for later.

I've been working on healthier eating, hopefully this won't be too difficult.

New Year, I guess.

Once again I'm going on a whirlwind of vanity.  I hate my body and I hate hating my body.  I'm gonna take a stab at changing that. We all know how good I am at committing to that, but I've got to try, right? one of these times it might stick.

first of all, I'm experimenting with some natural skin and hair care to save money and see if it works. supposedly this stuff works better than the crap I buy, so we'll see.  I'm switching to the Oil Cleansing Method for my face, using a mixture of 1/3 extra virgin olive oil and 2/3 castor oil. I opted for a higher percentage of castor oil based on my oily zit prone skin. I may adjust this. I'm also going to be frequently doing honey masks. basically just smearing my face with honey and letting it sit.

for hair, I'm using a mixture of 1 cup water and 1 tablespoon baking soda instead of shampoo and a mix of 1 cup water and 1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar instead of conditioner.  we'll see how that goes.

I'm going to start trying the p90x video for abs that we have.  every day, for as long as I can, except for Fridays and Saturdays. too much going on those days. slim my fricking flubby waist.  I'm so sick of feeling fat.  I won't wear half of the clothes in my absurdly crowded closet because I feel like I look fat.  whether I do or not is beside the point.  I do know I have gained weight, I do know I'm on the upper edge about to fall off of healthy weight for my height.  AND I FEEL BAD.  If I do something about it I know I'll feel better.

I'm also thinking I'm going to add hydrogen peroxide and baking soda to my teeth brushing routine. why not?  let's cover all the bases.

I've started taking biotin every day as well, since that's supposed to help improve my skin hair and nails.  don't care about the nails so much, but whatever.

Incidentally, this isn't a vanity thing, but it is something I'm starting that will help me feel better about myself.  I found a good checklist of house cleaning chores broken up by day to help maintain a clean house which I am now trying to follow.  Everyone knows a clean house feels better, and I won't feel so lazy and useless if I can keep things clean.  I hate when the house is messy, because I only work part time and that's early in the morning.  I spend the rest of the day lying around and feeling sorry for myself, being really bored.  It's really pathetic.  There is no reason for the house to get so messy.  I've only got one kid, two when Eloise is over, there's no reason to be so helpless.  plus maintaining is easy.  Yesterday it took a while, like several hours, to get the cleaning done since the house was messy, today it took like a half hour. it was nice. if I keep it up it'll be like that every day.

PLENTY OF TIME TO WORK OUT. LAZY ASS.

so let's see if I can stop being so useless.\


***EDIT*** I bailed on the baking soda thing.  my brother in law the physics pain in the ass made some snarky comment about how that would only increase the alkalinity of my hair and destroy it.  I did a bit more research and I think I agree.  dammit, I hate when he's right.  I'll never tell him though. still doing the vinegar, but maybe once a week at most.

Here's the plan.

So, we start on Thursday. and for once in my lazy life I am going to follow through with something! Here's the plan.

switch back to sitting on the yoga ball at work.
start carrying a water bottle everywhere.
Breakfast at work: whole wheat bagels and fruit
snacks: fiber meal bars, special K cereal, fruit, veggies.
watch portions at meals.
no soda.
no fast food.

(Friday Night is my exception night, when I can break my rules as long as I keep it under control.)

Workouts:
Mon-Wed-Fri- P90X videos
Sun-Tues-Thurs- running at school track, pilates DVD
Daily- waist and stretching segments from workout DVD
Saturday- rest, still doing waist workout

the days these are done are interchangeable depending on weather and whatever other factors, as long as I'm doing one or the other every day. I am also free to add in whatever work I feel up to doing.

This is the plan. THERE WILL BE NO DISPLAYS OF WEAKNESS. For ONCE I'm going to be proud of myself for following through.

yay for torpedoing my self esteem!

weight: 162 lbs. 41" around at the butt, 38" around at the widest part of my stomach. 33" at the ribs. that's quite a difference. 24" at the widest part of my thigh. for reference, I am exactly 72" tall- 6 feet even. so yes, I'm never going to be petite. I'm okay with that. what I want is for my belly to NOT look like I'm in my second trimester.

based on a chart I found online here, healthy weight for a 6 foot tall woman with a medium frame is 148-162 lbs. so while I'm not overweight, I'm pushing it. I DO NOT WANT TO BE PUSHING IT. My ideal weight is 150 lbs. so my goal with this upcoming month is to drop 10 lbs. any more than that is gravy, but that's what I want to feel like I've succeeded. along with a smaller waistline. my workouts will be including plenty of focus on the middle. so there's the stats. I will work on a battle plan and get that up here.

again, I know it could be worse. I'm aware. I don't talk about my insecurities around women who weigh more than me because apparently the fact that I don't weigh 400 lbs means I don't get to be insecure. this seems unfair to me. the only people who understand how I feel are women built like me that are just starting to slip. And why should I wait until I'm 400 lbs and need an electric wheelchair to get around to do anything about it? I'm gonna get a handle on this before it gets out of hand. I'll probably still never wear a bikini, even if I lose the weight, but that has more to do with my stretch marks than anything else. I'm at peace with those, though. I had a frickin' baby. yeah, that's gonna leave a mark.

so, here's the starting line. lets see how far I can push this.

Worth a shot.

Turns out I don't have much use for this blog. I didn't really think I would, I'm not a journaller or blogger, and I don't have anything I'm doing with myself to create a blog about, you know, something crafty or whatnot. I am a major knitter, crocheter and sewer, but I'm not really advanced, so I'm not going to be like creating patterns or anything like that. I do have a few projects I'm proud of that I suppose I could post... starting to get in to cosplay a bit, I'm creating the outfits of all the Final Fantasy 8 girls... but that's irrelevant. not why I'm here today. I'm here today because I hate my body.

Now, I have a theory about women. I believe that all women have an angry, spiteful, cruel, psychotic voice in their head that's constantly screaming at them about how ugly and stupid and fat and annoying they are. About what a failure they are in everything. It's why all women are crazy. It's louder in some women than others, and some women are better at muffling this voice than others. Me, I'm not very good at muffling this voice. Especially since I've started gaining weight in the last year or so. not a lot, mind you. like 10-15 lbs at most. Nothing to get too dramatic about, right? Except for that little voice. that little voice points out the way my tummy bulges now when I wear my tight little t shirts, and the way my belly is starting to hang over the edge of my jeans just a bit. I don't look at myself when I'm not dressed. I periodically have panic attacks when getting dressed and I have to go buy myself something loose and flowy so that I don't spend an entire day tensing and cramping up my muscles in an effort to "suck it in". I. Don't. Like. Feeling. This. Way. It makes me depressed and angry and I'm not okay with it. so. am I gonna sit and bitch about it or am I gonna do something about it?

Here's the problem. I have a terrible track record with working out. I don't like it, so I give up easy. What I really think would help is if I could sign up for some kind of dance class, because I would have fun with that, and would keep at it. But that requires money. that I don't have. so, I'm gonna try something. I'm gonna put myself on one of those 30 Day challenges, mostly designed by myself for the workout routine, I will get help for the eating part. I'm blogging this, because I think I need to record it. Goals made in my own head are easily ignored. I'm planning to do this for March, use the month of March to stop hating myself. Now until then is prep.

GOAL FOR TODAY. When I get home, I'm gonna step in a scale, see where I'm at. I'll do this a couple of times before March just to make sure I've got an accurate number. then I'm gonna do something I really won't like. I'm gonna take pictures. Of myself. of the things I don't like, undisguised by loose clothing. perfectly honest pictures. and I will post them here so I can't hide from them. this will suck. but, I will retake the same pictures at the end of March and see if my effort did me any good. (If it didn't I will likely never exercise again.)

I will get my eating and exercise plan worked out over the next week or so. I have a theory that if there is a definite time limit on how long I will be kicking the crap out of my body I will be able to muscle through it. and then I'm hoping I will feel so good about the results that I'll be able to keep it up so I don't lose all my work.

Well, that's all for now. I will update later with the pics.

(Incidentally after looking through older posts I thought I ought to mention, obviously I'm not pregnant. no plans to be in the near future.)