Thursday, February 23, 2012

Worth a shot.

Turns out I don't have much use for this blog. I didn't really think I would, I'm not a journaller or blogger, and I don't have anything I'm doing with myself to create a blog about, you know, something crafty or whatnot. I am a major knitter, crocheter and sewer, but I'm not really advanced, so I'm not going to be like creating patterns or anything like that. I do have a few projects I'm proud of that I suppose I could post... starting to get in to cosplay a bit, I'm creating the outfits of all the Final Fantasy 8 girls... but that's irrelevant. not why I'm here today. I'm here today because I hate my body.

Now, I have a theory about women. I believe that all women have an angry, spiteful, cruel, psychotic voice in their head that's constantly screaming at them about how ugly and stupid and fat and annoying they are. About what a failure they are in everything. It's why all women are crazy. It's louder in some women than others, and some women are better at muffling this voice than others. Me, I'm not very good at muffling this voice. Especially since I've started gaining weight in the last year or so. not a lot, mind you. like 10-15 lbs at most. Nothing to get too dramatic about, right? Except for that little voice. that little voice points out the way my tummy bulges now when I wear my tight little t shirts, and the way my belly is starting to hang over the edge of my jeans just a bit. I don't look at myself when I'm not dressed. I periodically have panic attacks when getting dressed and I have to go buy myself something loose and flowy so that I don't spend an entire day tensing and cramping up my muscles in an effort to "suck it in". I. Don't. Like. Feeling. This. Way. It makes me depressed and angry and I'm not okay with it. so. am I gonna sit and bitch about it or am I gonna do something about it?

Here's the problem. I have a terrible track record with working out. I don't like it, so I give up easy. What I really think would help is if I could sign up for some kind of dance class, because I would have fun with that, and would keep at it. But that requires money. that I don't have. so, I'm gonna try something. I'm gonna put myself on one of those 30 Day challenges, mostly designed by myself for the workout routine, I will get help for the eating part. I'm blogging this, because I think I need to record it. Goals made in my own head are easily ignored. I'm planning to do this for March, use the month of March to stop hating myself. Now until then is prep.

GOAL FOR TODAY. When I get home, I'm gonna step in a scale, see where I'm at. I'll do this a couple of times before March just to make sure I've got an accurate number. then I'm gonna do something I really won't like. I'm gonna take pictures. Of myself. of the things I don't like, undisguised by loose clothing. perfectly honest pictures. and I will post them here so I can't hide from them. this will suck. but, I will retake the same pictures at the end of March and see if my effort did me any good. (If it didn't I will likely never exercise again.)

I will get my eating and exercise plan worked out over the next week or so. I have a theory that if there is a definite time limit on how long I will be kicking the crap out of my body I will be able to muscle through it. and then I'm hoping I will feel so good about the results that I'll be able to keep it up so I don't lose all my work.

Well, that's all for now. I will update later with the pics.

(Incidentally after looking through older posts I thought I ought to mention, obviously I'm not pregnant. no plans to be in the near future.)

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