Wednesday, June 15, 2011


You know, I've changed a lot since high school. I was completely indifferent to my appearance back then. I brushed my hair once and called it good for the day. I wore clothes way too big, and never bothered with makeup. well, that's not entirely true, but it was only coverup for my zits, that were bad because I never bothered to wash my face. And I didn't know how to do the makeup properly. My skin was so oily I had to wipe the makeup off by lunch because it looked so bad. Looking back, I think I was lucky to be able to not care about appearances. I'm vaguely horrified now thinking about how bad I looked, but at the time, I really think it made my life a lot easier. And high school is a hard time anyways for teenagers. So I think not caring allowed me to really just have fun with my friends.

Now, of course, I'm the complete opposite. I won't go out with out makeup, and I know what I'm doing now, foundation, powder, concealer, eyeshadow, liner, blush, lipstick, the whole thing. I do a good job. It was senior year that I realized I'm not a large size in tshirts, I'm actually a small. usually. Depending on the company making the clothes. I wear tight, stylish jeans. Having at long last found companies who make jeans for tall skinny girls, I finally enjoy wearing jeans. I wear curvy tank tops and tight tshirts and jewelry and fancy shoes. And I love it. And now that my vanity is in full swing, sometimes I miss that disregard from high school. I miss throwing on a tshirt two sizes too big and just going with it. Every time I put on a tank top that seems to outline the little bit of a belly I have from having a kid I desperately wish I could go back to not caring. but instead I buy tank tops and body shapers that will slim my waist under my cute little top.

Is it worth it? I've got a pretty serious dose of vanity now. it's a little insane. But, I'm way cuter now than I was in high school. I'm just way more self concious than I was then as well. And it's stressful, to care so much about something that shouldn't matter. This all sounds stupid, doesn't it? I sound airheaded and vain and moronic. But that's kinda my points. That's what vanity is, airheaded and moronic. But I'm so obsessed with it, I lie awake at night and plan my outfit for the next day. How do I find a balance? I can't go back to where I was before, because as dumb as it sounds, it never bothered me before because I didn't think I was pretty. I never thought about it. As soon as I realized a little bit of effort could make me pretty, I didn't want to give it up. Every woman wants to be pretty, right? I'm not that strange. So I need to find a way to balance myself between complete disregard, and obsessive vanity.

yeah. good luck with that.

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